Frozen Balls

And......time.

2009-10-12T15:20:00.002-06:00

Once again, real life has interfered with my plans to be a better blogger. Personally, I'm stunned that working full time, going to school, and planning a wedding can take up so much of a person's time.

Anyway, there won't be much here. I just don't have time to fail miserably at being witty. I'll still show up at my normal haunts, but there will only be occasional posts here to highlight what I feel needs to be shared.

Big Ten Preview

2009-09-11T11:15:00.004-06:00

Every week (as long as I can remember to do it), I'll have a roundup of all the Big Ten games. Some weeks will be better than others. This is one of the "others."

Illinois St. vs. Illinois
6pm Big Ten Network (Ari Wolfe, Tony McGee, Sarah Spain)
Memorial Stadium

Illinois looked terrible last Saturday. How terrible? Their greatest living player called out the effort of the team and said he had to turn the game off. If I were Zook, I’d be watching over my shoulder when unlocking my car for Dick Butkus. Fortunately, the 1-AA Redbirds are visiting right in time to be a sacrificial lamb. The Redbirds do have a WSR-coached player in RS-Fr OL Cory Christianson, but he probably won’t play unless the game is a total debacle (which it could very well be since…ZOOOOK!)

Western Michigan vs. Indiana
11am Big Ten Network (Matt Devlin, Anthony Herron, Larra Overton)
Memorial Stadium

Western Michigan has to be a terrible team. They got slaughtered by Michigan last weekend. But Indiana is terrible-er. Do yourself a favor, America: don’t look directly at the “football.”

Iowa vs. Iowa St.
11am FSN (Joel Meyers, Dave Lapham, Jim Knox)
Jack Trice Stadium

Both teams played D1-AA powers last week. One team dominated their opponents 34-17, the other needed TWO blocked FGs in the last :10 to win at home. Somehow, Iowa decided to wake up in the last 4 minutes of the game, but it wasn’t pretty for a while before that. Don’t that fool you, though: this one is already over, Ferentz just needs to decide how much he wants to win by.

Notre Dame vs. Michigan
2:30pm ABC (Sean McDonough, Matt 0-16 Millen, Holly Rowe)
Michigan Stadium

I try to hold back on my biases, but there are some teams I can’t be nice to. That being said, fuck Michigan. I don’t like Charlie Weis, but I want the Irish to put 70 on Michigan, along with a big old doughnut on the scoreboard for the skunk helmets.

Central Michigan vs. Michigan St.
11am ESPN2 Pam Ward, Ray Bentley
Spartan Stadium

This game has one of the best defenses in the Big Ten trying to catch LeFevour. That should be enough to entice you to watch. Unfortunately, it also has Ray Bentley and Pam Ward, which should be enough to entice you to throw a brick at your TV.

Air Force vs. Minnesota
6pm Big Ten Network (Wayne Larrivee, Chris Martin, Charissa Thompson)
TCF Bank Stadium

There’s nothing important about this game at all. I don’t even think it’s worth discussing here. Well, there is one important thing: will I be able to replace the Receiveress with Charissa Thompson? We’ll find out Saturday.

Eastern Michgan vs. Northwestern
11am Big Ten Network (Matt Rosen, Mark Campbell, Rebecca Haarlow)
Ryan Field

Northwestern is my sneaky team to win the Big Ten. With a homefield advantage like they had last week for the battle with Towson (17,857), they should be able to intimidate everyone. It’s a good thing they’ve got a better football team then they do fan support, because otherwise they’d be next to Indiana in the standings.

Southern Cal vs. Ohio St.
7pm ESPN (Brent Musburger, Kirk Herbstreit, Lisa Salters)
Ohio Stadium

I don’t need to cover this one. Everyone else is doing it better, including BHGP and EDSBS. Just watch it.

Syracuse vs. Penn St.
11am Big Ten Network (Craig Coshun, Glen Mason, Kenny Jackson)
Beaver Stadium

Last week, Greg Paulus earned praise from writers assigned to cover sports with his poise, and nearly knocked off a magnanimous Minnesota team that didn’t want to ruin his return to football after a 5-year layoff. PSU is also going to make sure he’s ready for football by offering a comprehensive rectal exam.

Purdue vs. Oregon
9:15 FSN (Barry Tompkins, Petros Papadakis, Michael Eaves)
Autzen Stadium

I don’t really know what to think about this game. It’s late, I’ll be at a bachelor party after the Gopher game, and to be honest, Oregon’s offense has lost some of it’s punch.

Fresno St. vs. Wisconsin
11am ESPN (Dave Pasch, Bob Griese, Chris Spielman)
Camp Randall Stadium

Fresno St. is 1-1 all-time at Camp Randall, winning by 12 in 2001 and losing by 2 in 2002. They aren’t the same giant-slaying program they were back then, but Wisconsin isn’t the same program anymore, either.

Wake Up

2009-09-11T07:47:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is a mildly big day. I get to see this, but something will be....different.

The M will be marching toward me, but I'll be working on my tremendous tan at the same time. Or sitting in my poncho getting drenched telling the Receiveress to quit whimpering because we're watching football outside. Either way, It'll be the best day of football in my life...until Air Force wins.

There's going to be a few things showing up at different times today: I'll have a write-up about the Big Ten's matchups this weekend, a few thoughts on the game tomorrow at TCF BANK STADIUM, and perhaps something I've been working on about the person most responsible for the Gophers move to the Bank.

Have fun. It's Friday, and there's more football just a day away.

Wake Up

2009-09-10T07:49:00.001-06:00

Ross is good.

Know Your Enemy

2009-09-09T10:05:00.003-06:00

Any hack can do a terrible job of the "What Team A needs to do to stop Team B" preview. But it takes a dedicated idiot to look into a program's past. I'm that idiot.

United States Air Force Academy
Colorado Springs, CO
First Season: 1955
All-time Record: 303-260-43
Bowls: 18 (8-9-1)
Home: Falcon Stadium (Opened 1962)
Capacity: 52,480 (56,409 vs. Notre Dame 10/19/2002)
Record vs. Minnesota: 0-0-0

For every other team, I’d just start skewering their history and making stuff up. Not Air Force. They get a little more respect due to the fact that they actually field a team of student-athletes. Sprinkle in the fact that the players have a 5-year service commitment after they graduate, and you’ve got a special breed of men coming to open our stadium.
The Falcons first started to taste success after Ben Martin took charge of the program in 1958. Despite a dearth of talent, teams were competitive because of the scheme Martin used. Instead of the widely-used option, as synonymous with the USAFA as the lightning bolts on the helmets, he used a “new” offense that relied on rollouts and short quick passes. Of course, everybody and their aunt knows about the West Coast Offense now, but using a precursor then allowed Air Force to earn some major bowl berths. Martin’s 96-103-9 record is overshadowed by appearances in the Cotton Bowl (1959), the Gator Bowl (1963), and the Sugar Bowl (1971). That’s a pretty impressive resume, especially when you remember that bowls then weren’t the equivalent of participation ribbons that they are now, and that the Falcon program was less than 20 years old while all this was happening.
After Martin retired in 1977, he was replaced by Air Force’s most famous coach. Not Fisher DeBerry, but Bill Parcells. The Big Tuna was in charge for 1 season, compiled an astounding 3-8 record, and hightailed it out of Colorado to become the Giants defensive coordinator.
Kenny Hatfield followed Parcells, and despite a 26-32-1 record, he is generally credited with two things during his tenure. First of all, he laid the groundwork for the successful program that thrived under his successor, finishing 8-5 with a win in the Hall of Fame Classic in 1982 and 10-2 with an Independence Bowl win in 1983. But more importantly, he brought the option to the Falcons. I think it’s safe to say that it’s stuck.
When Hatfield went running home to mama (and his alma mater Arkansas) after the 1983 season, he was replaced by the legendary Fisher DeBerry. When I say legendary, I mean 169-107-1, 12 bowls in 22 seasons, finished 1985 ranked #5 (a 7 point loss to BYU away from contending for a national title), struck fear in the heart of opponents everywhere Legendary. Air Force, under DeBerry, achieved its current status of a trap team that can jump up and bite anyone in the ass at any time. This is due to the attitude instilled in the program. They’re not the biggest, strongest, or fastest. But they expect to be the most precise, and they’re tenacious. There are some teams (ILLINOIS) that will quit if you get up on them early, but Air Force is not one of them. DeBerry retired in 2006, but Air Force is still the same solid program under Troy Calhoun.
Calhoun, despite never having been a head coach before (sound familiar?), is 18-9 at Air Force following the 72-0 stomping of Nichols St. last Saturday. Some things haven’t changed a bit with the Falcons. They still run the option with the reliable efficiency of a Maytag washer, they still are smarter than every team they play, and they’re still going to serve our country after they’re done offering up blood and sweat to the football gods.

Wake Up!

2009-09-09T06:00:00.002-06:00

When Joe Walsh ran the show, the Eagles were fucking incredible. The could have been one of the greatest bands ever if somebody would have stood behind Don Henley with a caddle prod to dissuade him from trying to lead the band.

It's Wednesday, people. We've made it halfway through the week. I don't know if I've got anything special coming today, but there is some big news out there. Will Fucking Leitch (That is what the "F" stands for, right?) has a new blog at NY Magazine. GO!

http://nymag.com/daily/sports/

I did this...

2009-09-08T20:42:00.003-06:00

This was done before I decided to revive the mothership. It'll be here in the future as long as I can remember to do it.

http://www.thedailygopher.com/2009/9/8/1021052/week-1-power-poll

Gophers Survive Orange 23-20

2009-09-08T19:53:00.004-06:00

Hey, would you look at that? It's been just over a year since the last time I tried this whole "blogging" thing. Well, if at first you don't succeed, fail fail again.

Minnesota's offense looked unprepared, and the defense took a little time to figure out how to beat All-World QB Greg Paulus. Just look at how cleanly he took the first snap(look up!). But in the end the Gophers had just enough to sneak back to Minnesota with their tail between their legs and a W in the record book. Fortunately, nothing exciting like a new stadium opening happens this week in Minnesota, and Air Force just got by Nichols St. 72-0.

Photo: Kevin Rivoli, AP

I'm alive

2008-08-11T19:28:00.001-06:00

Real life provides too many distractions for running an effective blog. I think it's time to try this again, since it's almost football season.

How many people would realistically be excited about getting their tickets for a team that went 1-11 last year? I mean outside of masochistic Gopher fans like myself, of course.

Your Tim Brewster Spring Practice Update

2008-04-04T10:22:00.004-06:00

Through 4 practices and a media press conference to kick things off:

Tremendous 9
Excited 4
Without Question 1
Very Very 0

Good news: Defense looks faster, Weber looks better
Bad news: Finished 1-11 last year. Joe Paterno was faster than our D last year, and Weber HAS to look better than he did at times.

UEFA Champions League Quarterfinals, Roma 0-2 United

2008-04-02T11:49:00.005-06:00

It wasn't 7-1, but it does mean that 7-1 won't be necessary at Old Trafford this year. United just sat back and absorbed the Roma attack, looking like they were going to settle for a 0-0 draw. Roma controlled most of the first half, but couldn't do anything without Totti. Even with him back and Vidic potentially out, I just don't see Roma getting 3 goals at OT next wednesday.

2008 Twins Season, Day 2

2008-04-02T11:38:00.003-06:00

When the top players in the Twins lineup get on base, good things will happen. When they don't, the Twins will lose. When Boof (or any other pitcher) has a start like that on a night when 1-6 in the lineup aren't hitting, you get what you got.

Angels 9 Twins 1

Which lineup do we get tonight? Saunders is a lefty, so we should see Monroe DHing 6th. With Lamb, Harris, and Everett hitting 7-9 again with only Punto and Tolbert on the bench, be happy with every hit they get. Top reason to watch tonight: Nick Blackburn.

Vikings Fire Brad Childress

2008-04-01T11:07:00.005-06:00

After 2 years and a 14-18 record, the Minnesota Vikings parted way with Head Coach Brad Childress today. While surprising to most mainstream media insiders, football fans everywhere saw this stroke of common sense coming. Owner Zygi Wilf was quoted as saying "If I want the suckers...errr...good people of Minnesota to help with a new stadium, we need a winning product. And that just wasn't going to happen with that cueball leading them. He's got the coaching abilities of something I left in the toilet this morning."

Childress wasn't surprised either, saying he's been looking into new opportunities at a level more attuned to his ability for a few months now. He has an interview Thursday with the athletic director of the Annandale (MN) School District for the open Jr. High football assistant coach position.

Twins 1, Mets 0

2008-04-01T10:28:00.005-06:00

Carlos Gomez 2-3, 2B, BB, 2 SB, 2 R, K, Fast
Johan Santana 0-3, K, Not fast

I think we all know who got the better of this deal. Assuming Gomez does that for the next 161 games, of course. And I think that's a pretty reasonable assumption to make off one game.

Fact

2008-04-01T10:22:00.001-06:00

An accountant cannot run a blog in March. Early April also appears sketchy.

I want the Vikings to leave Minnesota.

2008-02-19T14:25:00.005-06:00

That's not what you'd expect a Vikings fan to say, Is it? A kid who grew up eating, sleeping, and dreaming about the NFL shouldn't want his team to leave, should he? But over the past few years, I've started to fall out of love with the NFL. There are a number of reasons that this has happened, and I'll try to hit all of them the next few weeks. After all, it's a long time until football season starts again.

Every American boy should grow up loving football. It's that simple. If they don't, they probably have two moms or two dads (not that there's anything wrong with that) or some other dysfunctional family. The game oozes what America should be about. Teamwork, hard work, discipline, and all that stuff. There was one other thing I was raised on: loyalty. You always stick up for your family and friends, no matter what. You don't do anything to hurt them. They'll be there for you, so you should be there for them. Unfortunately, as I get older I realize there's no loyalty in the NFL.

Actually, that's not true. Fans are loyal to the team through thick and thin. They show up to the stadium every weekend, pay insane prices for parking, tickets, beer, hot dogs, and programs. They're the only innocent party here. Owners and management are loyal only to the almighty dollar. If you're running the most popular sports league in the country do you want everyone to be able to watch? Of course not, which is why there is the blackout rule and the exclusivity deal with DirecTV. The only time these billionaires try to relate with the fans is when they're appealing to them to shake them down for a new stadium. If a player isn't performing as well as they think they can, they'll cut them. And the contract isn't guaranteed, you know. The coaches are loyal to themselves. Cheating, lying, and hiding injuries are all part of the job for these guys. And then there's the players. Like the owners, the only thing they care about is money. If a player thinks they're worth more than the contract they get, they'll hold out. The only people affected by this are the fans who enjoy watching the player and the team. There's rumors of another labor dispute on the horizon. Why? Because these millionaires and billionaires feel the need to fight over the fans' money.

Eventually, people will start to see that these people only care about the money and not them or the game. With the economy in rough shape, we may be getting closer to that time happening. Blind loyalty only goes so far when you've got an empty wallet.

"But Honey, what about all that stuff I got you?"

2008-02-07T12:06:00.000-06:00

The Super Bowls over, National Signing day has passed, and Duke/UNC is gone. Now what does Joe Sportsfan do? Drink heavily? Listen to sports talk radio? Focus on the election? Jesus no. Valentine's Day is just a week away. Store up some goodwill, because bigger and better things are on their way. Think about it:

-NCAA Basketball Tournement
Start getting those excuses ready. The trick is to come up with something possible but not fatal. Ebola just isn't going to fool the boss again this year.
-The Masters
The real tradition unlike any other was the first Masters commercial being during the first commercial break of the NCAA tourney, but the suits ruined that. Now we'll just have to settle for Tiger whomping everyone.
-NFL Draft
It's the best way to spend the weekend of my birthday. And with 15 minutes between picks, there's plenty of time to drink.

So get out and buy some stupid teddy bear, some crappy overpriced candy, and some flowers that'll be dead before the candy's gone. You'll need her to remember your positive(s) if you're going to survive another year of ignoring her during sports.

Super Bowl and Signing Day

2008-02-01T11:57:00.000-06:00

In a span of seven days, two of them are among the biggest of the year for football. One offers immediate gratification for fans, the other offers hope for the future. And both of them are horribly overhyped.

Everybody watches the Super Bowl. I know this because ESPN told me so. But the Super Bowl is the worst game of the year to watch. There are more commercial breaks then game action, Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are calling the game, and every second will be sponsored by BudweiserMillerLiteFordChevyDodge. And the game itself is (more often than not) a yawner. Will this one be better than the two last weekend? Probably not. Not with two weeks for Belichick to put together a game plan.

Then there's signing day. After the Gopher's 1-11 year last year, any good news should be welcomed by a parade. And a Top 25 Rivals.com ranking certainly counts as good news. But before we start praising Coach Brewster too much, remember three things: 1)Florida State is always getting Top 25 recruiting classes and is usually Top 5, 2)these are 17 and 18 year old kids whose bodies haven't matured yet, and 3) these are football players, not rocket scientists. It's an inexact science at best. Even if they do get into school (Paging Traye Simmons) it's a crapshoot. Did they physically peak at 17(Dominique Simms)? Will they not realize that they're student-athletes(Art Smith)? But it's a step in the right direction. After a decade of having to ignore signing day because Grinnin' Glen signed a bunch of 2nd-team all conference players from Ohio, we're starting to get faster kids. And speed is the key to the new offense and "defense" here.

So with the two most over-ESPNed events of the football year coming up, where will I be? Glued to my TV on Sunday, and at the Sota Social for Signing day. It's a long time until the Spring Game.

Come for the bad opinions, stay for the bad humor.

2007-11-26T23:37:00.000-06:00

I'm finally throwing my hat into this whole blogging thingey. It's all Pat Reusse's fault. If he can get paid for passing on his idiotic opinions, why can't I at least put mine out there?

I'll try to offer my opinion as often as I see fit. It'll probably be at least two posts a day. Some days there will be more (days with football games), some days there will be less (the first day I can get onto a golf course). They'll be as funny as possible coming from an accountant, and as knowledgeable as possible from somebody who never played college football (thanks, karma). But hey, I'm not as incompetent as Brad Childress or Glen Mason. I'll try to stick to football, but occasionally I'll stray into hockey, college basketball, golf, politics, and the other football. Sorry.

So here goes. This'll probably be dead in about two weeks, but at least I'll have tried. And that's more than I can say about my stand-up comedy career.